Forgotten Girl Diaries- Part One:

 I try really hard not to be a fuck up. 

Not to be too much of anything really. Take away some of this and definitely leave that out. Most days I feel hollow inside. Like I've muted the parts of me that I don't understand, the happy parts of me. I've let the abrasive parts of my life dull my shine, if you will. 

I claim to be an introvert but I think I do that so I can hide away more. Escape from reality and from the daunting feeling of never ever, ever, ever being good enough. How did I get here? I'm still trying to figure this out. Two words can sum up how it started - Men Suck. Just kidding- I meant Daddy Issues. 

I know.... you're probably thinking I'm some promiscuous slut that has a shopping addiction or something. You'd be half right but I've tackled the shopping addiction and I no longer fit into the category of promiscuous slut either. Although those days weren't so bad looking back on it.  Moving on......

Let's take a stroll down the paths that lead back to my childhood. One that was full of love and laughter, Barbie Corvettes, sleepovers, dance classes, gymnastics all that good stuff. I had no idea about the heartache I would soon face, the confusion that would cloud my mind and fill it with intrusive thoughts telling me things I wouldn't tell someone no matter how mad I was at them. 

The innocence I felt was about to be ripped away and I couldnt even tell myself to cherish those moments. I was caught by surprise, the music stopped and I was left to make sense of what I was just told. The father I thought was my father "isn't really my father", she said. Huh? I remember thinking. "Your real dad gave up his rights to you- he has a family, you have a brother and a sister. He just didn't want you."

Let me be honest, the words "he just didn't want you" may never have exited my mom's lips, but that's all I heard. Over and over again every day those are the words that I would hear. You're not good enough. You never will be. Why would he want you? You're pathetic. You're not pretty, not funny, not anything. You're nothing and you'll always be nothing so get used to it and I did. I got so used to hearing these words, I started to believe it.

My validation did not come from within anymore. In an instant the world let go of my hand. They say that the impact of an absent or unreachable father on his daughter's life is a crucial part in how she sees herself and her place in the world. A father is supposed to show his little girl that she is unconditionally loved just as she is, and he lays the foundation for her healthy sense of self-love, self-esteem and her self-worth.

My mom used to tell me that when I was little I would walk up to anyone and start talking to them. I trusted everyone. Now? I trust less than a handful and those aren't even guaranteed to stick around. Growing up and seeing the relationships that my friends had with their fathers. The lives they led seemed so easy to them; able to live carefree and uninhibited by the sadness of loss and self-doubt that I struggled with daily. This made me feel very alone and different from everyone else – without a sense of belonging or an identity that felt truly mine.  In my eyes, anyone at anytime is capable of walking out of my life, never to be seen again and I have no control of it. 

I have lived in the shadows of my father's absence since I was 7 years old. I'm 36. Yeah, it's that deep. 

I wish I could tell the rest of my story as honestly as I did in this first part but were not there yet. I still have a long way to go and I'm not sure that I'll be able to tell it. I hope that I will because deep down I know that I'm worth fighting for I just don't know how. 

TO BE CONTINUED........