Happy New Year's 2022♥️♥️

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Forgotten Girl Diaries- Part One:

 I try really hard not to be a fuck up. 

Not to be too much of anything really. Take away some of this and definitely leave that out. Most days I feel hollow inside. Like I've muted the parts of me that I don't understand, the happy parts of me. I've let the abrasive parts of my life dull my shine, if you will. 

I claim to be an introvert but I think I do that so I can hide away more. Escape from reality and from the daunting feeling of never ever, ever, ever being good enough. How did I get here? I'm still trying to figure this out. Two words can sum up how it started - Men Suck. Just kidding- I meant Daddy Issues. 

I know.... you're probably thinking I'm some promiscuous slut that has a shopping addiction or something. You'd be half right but I've tackled the shopping addiction and I no longer fit into the category of promiscuous slut either. Although those days weren't so bad looking back on it.  Moving on......

Let's take a stroll down the paths that lead back to my childhood. One that was full of love and laughter, Barbie Corvettes, sleepovers, dance classes, gymnastics all that good stuff. I had no idea about the heartache I would soon face, the confusion that would cloud my mind and fill it with intrusive thoughts telling me things I wouldn't tell someone no matter how mad I was at them. 

The innocence I felt was about to be ripped away and I couldnt even tell myself to cherish those moments. I was caught by surprise, the music stopped and I was left to make sense of what I was just told. The father I thought was my father "isn't really my father", she said. Huh? I remember thinking. "Your real dad gave up his rights to you- he has a family, you have a brother and a sister. He just didn't want you."

Let me be honest, the words "he just didn't want you" may never have exited my mom's lips, but that's all I heard. Over and over again every day those are the words that I would hear. You're not good enough. You never will be. Why would he want you? You're pathetic. You're not pretty, not funny, not anything. You're nothing and you'll always be nothing so get used to it and I did. I got so used to hearing these words, I started to believe it.

My validation did not come from within anymore. In an instant the world let go of my hand. They say that the impact of an absent or unreachable father on his daughter's life is a crucial part in how she sees herself and her place in the world. A father is supposed to show his little girl that she is unconditionally loved just as she is, and he lays the foundation for her healthy sense of self-love, self-esteem and her self-worth.

My mom used to tell me that when I was little I would walk up to anyone and start talking to them. I trusted everyone. Now? I trust less than a handful and those aren't even guaranteed to stick around. Growing up and seeing the relationships that my friends had with their fathers. The lives they led seemed so easy to them; able to live carefree and uninhibited by the sadness of loss and self-doubt that I struggled with daily. This made me feel very alone and different from everyone else – without a sense of belonging or an identity that felt truly mine.  In my eyes, anyone at anytime is capable of walking out of my life, never to be seen again and I have no control of it. 

I have lived in the shadows of my father's absence since I was 7 years old. I'm 36. Yeah, it's that deep. 

I wish I could tell the rest of my story as honestly as I did in this first part but were not there yet. I still have a long way to go and I'm not sure that I'll be able to tell it. I hope that I will because deep down I know that I'm worth fighting for I just don't know how. 

TO BE CONTINUED........

Art from 2018-2019

Things ive learned......(so far)

I've learned that feeling sorry for myself doesn't work. At all. Not even a tiny bit.
I've also learned that the power of thought can produce any sort of result we want. Good or bad.
I've learned that most people would rather see you fail than to succeed. Which only makes me want to succeed that much more.
I've learned that our friends aren't always going to be there when we need them.
I've learned that how people treat you is completely on them and how you react is completely on you. You can't place blame if you allow yourself to get offended.
I've learned that money doesn't determine how much "class" you have but how you react to situations in your life.
I've learned that loyalty is a trait found in few.
I know that this life is short.
I know I've got a lot more in this life to learn.

OM is where the heart is!

I love what this symbol stands for.....although there are a lot of different meanings to this symbol all if them are beautiful.
      My personal favorite and the reason I got the om sign tattooed on the back of my neck is "being in or having a peaceful state of mind".
      I also have an om sign on the inside of every door....that was hand drawn..... In my home. Its been said that it blocks negative energy from coming into your home. So far so good! Knock on wood.....;)

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WHAT ARE YOUR CORE BELIEFS?!

Grab a sheet of paper and write out your top ten beliefs. Do this as quickly as you can and try to do it in two minutes or less. I strongly believe that true feelings come out on paper when you just write without thinking too much except about the question on hand.

THESE ARE MINE:

(In no particular order)

My artwork

Just a few of my pieces.....will add more later!

You sure you're free?

What is Love?

PRIMARY KEYWORDS: love, sacrifice

Secondary keyword: miseries, pain, peace, happiness, personalities, mahatma, relationship, qualities, style, enmities

                                                                                                                               

\ Love lights the heart of people and stops violence. Love can kill all the miseries of life like pain and sorrow. Love brings peace and happiness in life. Love brings desire to live life. Love is not only between husband and wife but it is the relationship between two individuals (or even things at times lol} who have consideration for each other. Husband loves his wife, mother loves her child, businessman loves their business and saint loves god. Love is like a precious pearl and the people who understand the meaning of love will never let it fall down. Love is a sign for happiness and it can bring pleasure in life. Love is sweeter than sugar, higher than the sky and brighter than the sun. A person who has not loved anyone is incomplete in himself. If you have never loved anyone, if your life is full of sorrow only love is a weapon by which you can kill all your miseries and bring happiness for yourself and to others also. You can kill the enmity of your enemies just by saying a few words of love. Love never dies. The beginning of love can not be traced in history. It is believed that the existence of love is longer than existence of human being. When a young man expresses his love towards his beloved he may do it by words like I love the way you think, the way you perceive things, the way you present yourselves, the way you behave with strangers. This means that if you love a person there may be various reasons for your love. In other words LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND, WITHOUT IT LIFE WOULD BE MEANINGLESS <3

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8 Words

Isn't it funny how sometimes you can be doing absolutely nothing, your mind is quiet and all the sudden out of nowhere you're taken back in time. Back in time, to that one moment when you feel your life changed forever. That old familiar feeling creeps up on you it gives you butterflies and makes your whole world spin. It's one of those memories that you will never forget, that one moment, that even today at 29 I can still remember. VIVIDLY, like it was yesterday. Being that little girl and hearing those 8 words: "Daddy..... well Daniel.... he's not your real father."  
      I remember exactly what I felt. Yet too young to quite understand exactly what I was feeling. Taking in all of these thoughts that I had never fathomed before so much confusion ran through my mind, through my heart. He has to be! Your'e lying! Does he still love me? *thinking* I feel strange, I don't belong. What about my real daddy? Where is he? Why did he leave me? Was I a bad girl?  I must have been! Daddies don't just leave their daughters! Right? Right mommy? Mommy stop saying that...that's mean!
     I remember being so young but question after question kept popping up in my head. I don't remember if I said all those things to my mom at the time or if I just remember thinking that. I felt like I was dreaming. 
     It's funny how 8 words can change everything. How 8 words can take my daddy away, my childhood away, my innocence away.

    I was just a little girl, in a very adult situation.

On being Introverted....

When you just want them to know.....

     How much you think about them (and hope they don't hate you).
Because life to you is about finding yourself. Outside influences make you digress therefore, you distance yourself it's easier that way.

      That being an introvert doesn't mean you hate everyone you would just much rather be alone.
To you being with just a select few friends you know and love and can share genuine moments with is much better than dreading any sort of social gathering because to you it sounds more like a big shallow lie.  Oh hi! how are you? Great! You say, because it would be socially unacceptable to be honest if let's say things weren't so great; you're exhausted from work, behind on bills, your best friends not talking to you, etc. Who wants to hear that big handful of not so cheery truth?

      How you wish your family saw you in the way your closest friends do.
Because if they did then maybe you would be more accepted because you're a great person with a lot of awesome qualities but you hide that unconsciously because you're too busy planning on explaining why you haven't called.
     How none of this has anything to do with them individually.
You have always felt different but your love for them remains the same. 

I know alot of this swayed back and forth between introversion and family stuff but for me they go hand in hand.....